Inside❤️Out

Ed’s ArtSite is meant to help all of us interested in mental healing. It’s NOT meant to do anything else. If you find you want to feel sorry for me… please feel a sense of accomplishment instead… like I do. 😎

I’m subject to mental illness. For example, I have self esteem issues. Inferiority feelings go back to my childhood. At first light, I thought I was perfect. Then later on came guilt after I realized that I wasn’t.

Guilt happened because I was supposed to be perfect like Jesus. (Like those people in the ‘50’s family TV shows.) That’s what I perceived in Sunday School and church as a child. I failed numerous times. Those failures had me under pressure. Sin results in agonizing perpetual pain in hell’s fire. That’s what I heard from our fire and brimstone preacher.

My childhood family didn’t act perfect like the ones on black and white television.

I was born bipolar. My perception is often somewhat distorted by a brain disorder. Certain words that I hear can trigger racing or depressing thoughts such that I can’t rationally process certain messages before I’ve concluded a delusion. Sometimes positive… sometimes negative.

Writing with a computer word editing tool allows me to order my disordered thoughts by slowly changing wording and words until my thoughts are more clear and ordered. Rarely do I type without editing. Sometimes it’s well after publishing. I’m not a great conversationalist either. Others generally do most of the talking.

In my disordered brain, I hurt my childhood family when I abandoned them. But I can also rationalize my behavior as justified. I hurt myself whenever I think I have to be perfect. It’s NOT okay to hurt others or myself… “…what else can a poor boy do… ‘cept to sing for a rock-n-roll band…” Sometimes life is a confusing mess. Other times it’s beautifully clear and simple.

The mentally ill are typically caught up in a dysfunctional web of wacky thought tangents. Life can be a conundrum outside God’s domain.

I moved the wind from nowhere to nowhere
cradled among heaven’s bright and beautiful
unbound in uncharted abode

Satan dwells in tactical confusion. I fear crowds. Sometimes I fear you. I fear because I’m… wait for it… flawed. Sometimes I see all people as unstable and judgmental. It’s a flaw. It’s mental illness. Medication helps. Certain people help. God helps the most… when we pray and listen. God’s in tune with our spirit. Satan is on the sidelines.

This is the reason for Ed’s ArtSite. To help myself and others heal and forgive just like Jesus Christ showed us.

I’m aware of the fact that no one but ONE is perfect. So we should compassionately forgive ourselves and others for our flaws. None of us are perfect… NONE… not me, not you, not anyone but ONE since time began.

All of us fully humans are subject to mistakes. When we project perfection onto ourselves or other humans, we’re making a mistake. Human perfection outside Jesus Christ is a short lived dream at best. Yet we strive for the “golden ring”. Or we place it in someone else’s hand because we want to feel that some can be perfect. So we project “perfection” into the work of another.

Christ is the only mistake free human work of perfection. God became a human teacher to complete His Spiritual (EMOTIONAL) message. So Jesus Christ has the one and only human “Golden ring”. We’re mistaken if we think any of the Bible writers were always perfect. Only the quotes of Jesus Christ are perfect. We know the disciples remember Jesus’s words because of help from God’s Spirit. But there’s also their independent and frail human perceptions. Each of us has a perception… you, your preacher, your friends, your neighbor… ALL of us. God gave each of us a unique and independent spirit and soul. We’re not God’s robots. We’re God’s children… and we need guidance.

Jesus points us towards perfection… the middle of the road. He told us that we can help ourselves by helping someone else. That’s a bit off the beaten path.

It’s God’s good plan that when we help others, we’re not only loving others, we’re loving ourselves.

It’s Satan’s evil plan for us to ONLY help ourselves. That self-centered practice leaves us shallow and empty resulting in compounding or creating mental illness issues. And not just for ourselves. Others are affected by our words and behavior. We should remember that God in Christ is our only lamp like the sun lighting the earth.

I frantically studied the Bible after my second full blown adult mental breakdown. I discovered that God loves me regardless of my flaws. I discovered that the ENTIRE Bible is not perfect but centers and focuses on Jesus Christ’s ministry… which is perfect. I further discovered that God’s presence is everywhere, all the time. And God loves us all. Good and bad. When we repent, we can love Him back. When we humble ourselves, we can heal.

I love God. I love you.
And I love me.

❤️

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By Ed Caldwell

I was tired, now I’m retired. Except for some unavoidable honey-dos, I pretty much goof off for a living now. My last career job was designing internet operating circuit boards along with a distinguished team of engineers, managers and support personnel. Prior to that I was an electronics technician evolving into circuit board design in the defense industry working with tactical missile systems. My first career job was a professional artist. During my younger years I worked many odd jobs beginning at age nine with a newspaper delivery route.

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