Delusion

Image credit:  Event Horizon Telescope

“The Devil is in the details.”

This is a confession, it’s not a plea for help. I’m safely supervised, stable and under control. But sometimes I wrestle with the validity of my own thoughts. I believe that angels have been intervening in my life so I can deliver a message with a website. I have an excuse because I’m bipolar and given to delusion.

When I was a child, I prayed for God to kill me. I was hiding in a dark closet. I wanted desperately to die. I thought my brain was going to emotionally explode. That prayer has come up again on occasion but I’m still here. And I’m planning on seeing my life through by God’s means, not my own… come hell or high water. 

I’m doing things to help myself. I have a great family and professional support group. This post is an example of what I do to help myself. Writing is therapeutic and helps me focus disordered thoughts.

Thank goodness for computer spelling and grammar editors.

We want to be close to God so sometimes we’re trying too hard on our own to do that. We’re trying to project ourselves as knowing God. Or else we make up our own narrative because we think we’re expected to know God.

We can never “know” God. He tells us that up front in Job. We can only humanly love Him and try our best to make God glad He made us

God’s message to us is a simple one. Satan’s messages are complex and confusing.

My remarks about Satan reflect what I experience in my thoughts. I second guess myself and “hear” things like I’m not deserving to live or that something I wrote means something other than what I intended. The worst thoughts are the ones that claim I’m self-serving. I’m always fighting that one. 

Thanks for reading! ❤️

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By Ed Caldwell

I’m mostly retired. Except for some unavoidable honey-dos, I pretty much goof off for a living now. My last career job was designing internet operating circuit boards along with a distinguished team of engineers, managers and support personnel. Prior to that I was an electronics technician evolving into circuit board design in the defense industry working with tactical missile systems. My first career job was a professional artist. During my younger years I worked many odd jobs beginning at age nine with a newspaper delivery route.

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