Cosmic Twists

SPACESHIP I – We sail on a ship without sails courtesy of the Big Bang and are collectively perpetuated through space by cosmic forces beyond our control… Thank God!… I can’t even control my cat… Can you imagine if Earth had a “steering wheel” where we would wind up!

Image credit:  NASA Apollo 17

VANTAGE POINT I – If civilization had first developed in the southern hemisphere our maps would be upside down.

TIME I – Somewhere between time Zones, Daylight savings time, Greenwich Mean time, Military time, Astronomical time, Atomic time, Earth rotation time, Ephemeris time, Sidereal time, Solar time, Julian time, Father time, and the meantime is an illustration of the fact that no time is like any other time except that it is now everywhere at the same time.

PHYSICS I – Infinity is way beyond human comprehension… (i.e.) How high is up? I’ve heard it is twice as far as halfway up. I also believe that if you’re traveling faster than the speed of light… well… uh… never mind… I expect you’d better concentrate on what’s UP in front of you!  

PHYSICS II –  I had an MRI scan… my protons must all be pointing north… Say! Maybe now it will be more difficult for me to get lost!

PHYSICS III – Question: What do you get when you cross a physicist with a cat? Answer: A furry scientist that gets a big bang out of string theory and is either dead, alive or both simultaneously. 

PHYSICS IV – Wi-Fi Antenna Abridgment… Intelligent communication and performance is relative to proximity from the receiving/transmitting device plus a reliance on the ability to articulately capture and release fleetingly fast airborne electrons in a manner that entices energy to constructively focus its reciprocating peripatetic activity within the confines of protruding peculiarly sculpted electrically conductive material that is formed into strange multidimensional antennae geometries.

PHYSICS V – There’s only one planet we live on and it just keeps going around in circles.

CHERRIES I – On many cosmic subjects we don’t always understand what we think we know. Take cherries for example… how can life be like a bowl of cherries if the cherries are dying in a restricting bowl. Doesn’t this justly illustrate how self-centered, unhinged and twisted our thinking usually is? People see what they want to see and do not hear silence screaming… those poor pitiful cherries… plucked in their prime from their life support only to be humiliated and gawked at… trapped with no way out short of divine intervention… poor pitiful cherries… how can people be so cruel to place you in that predicament and humiliate you with their furtive gazing… insane with misplaced metaphor… poor poor pitiful cherries.

The Old Ball and Chain

CHERRIES II – Some food for thought… Our life support is restricted to our home planet. We must take a little of Earth with us into space in order to survive. So when we adventure out beyond our home planet in a spaceship… (or a spacesuit), then perhaps we ARE kinda like cherries in a bowl.

SPACE EXPLORATION I – According to current extraterrestrial evidence… resisting intrinsic union with Earth is futile.

Image credit:  NASA

SPACE EXPLORATION II – From what I gather about traveling thru outer space at unimaginable speed… if the rate of travel is great enough, you can traverse time in a controlled manner such that the universe unfolds before you do.

SPACE OBJECTS I – Astronomy is over my head.

SPACE OBJECTS II – It seems to me that meteor “showers” is a pale descriptor for burning rocks hurtling toward us at great speed.

SPACE INVASION I – Our only hope from galaxy conquering hostile aliens would be that they’re lactose intolerant.

SPACE INVASION II – I think we should rename our galaxy because “Milky Way” sounds way too wimpy. Hostile space alien invaders are probably always making jokes about it. We need a name that strikes fear into what is likely technically superior space invaders… something like “Dragon’s Lair” or “Death Disc”… or “This is Not the Galaxy You Were Looking for… Move Along”.

SPACE INVASION III – If you ever meet a space alien… do not show fear, instead be very very friendly and invite them over for dinner. If they don’t eat you… there may be hope for the rest of us.

BLACK HOLES I – If you ever want to get rid of something… throw it in a black hole… and if you get close enough… no one will see you do it.

BLACK HOLES II – In spite of popular scientific belief, black holes are void of problems. In a black hole, there is no difference between an issue and a non-issue. If I have an issue and you do not… and we hold hands and jump onto a black hole… when we pass the event horizon into the singularity our issue and non-issue are indistinguishable.

Image credit:  NASA

BLACK HOLES III – I believe there’s an irrational fear regarding what “they” say about the physics experiments that are creating tiny temporary black holes at leading edge particle accelerators(…not to be confused with participle accelerators)… if physicists ever actually make the tiny black holes larger and stable, it would solve the problem of waste disposal and resolve all humanity’s differences.

SPACE ALIENS I – Two hostile space aliens were eating a clown… one looked at the other and asked, “This taste funny to you?” (…unhinged from ancient human archives)

SPACE ALIENS II – Best Earthbound Friend… My wife does not believe I am human. She said most people would be frightened to see space alien invaders but I would have a family reunion.

SPACE ALIENS III – We all have stress in our lives. If you imagine stress as having a tangible shape which is constantly changing like a surreal dream about hostile invading space aliens… then you realize that the most important things in life are aluminum foil and a front porch.

OUTER SPACE I – I just hope the nuclear powered Voyagers aren’t going to be violating any intragalactic federation territorial treaties… at this lowly stage in our development, I don’t expect we would be able to appease any civilization that would generate such a treaty… of course we should have an out since no one informed us of a treaty, but then again, there’s no telling what to expect when it comes to space aliens… 

OUTER SPACE II – Many of us have a tendency to run out of space. For example, cosmologists and sometimes commonologists like myself, speculate as to what might be outside our visible universe. It is of course, no use to us humans… it could be anything like… say… a storage space that we humans could only complain about since we have no control over the order of things in the universe. What good is a storage facility if we can’t reach it to store things! But it’s likely a very good thing that humans have no control over order in the universe. Can you imagine lowly humans with that kind of power!? We would probably end up with NOTHING in the visible universe but cowbells.

Father’s Day 2016

ORIENTATION I – Some tell me that I’m “space oriented”. I tell them that’s an oxymoron… especially regarding my personal attributes. “Space” describes the distance between objects occupying what would otherwise be more space. “Oriented” indicates cognizance of one’s place at or within any structure or situation. I hold no claim to not occupying a portion of space nor do I hold claim to cognizance of any sort.

ORIENTATION II – What’s up?… Is this a mental or directional question? And why do we throw this question out so casually to people we see? Perhaps it is because we want to make certain that, like ourselves, no one else knows the answer either. This is possibly the most complicated question perplexing mankind (“womankind” is far more likely to know).

THE MENTAL ‘UP’ is a constant variable and can easily be any thought available to the human mind at any instant and regarding any circumstance. The ‘up’ you may be currently processing in your mind would be relative to your life experience and resulting notion regarding the meaning and existence of ‘up’. Were it not for your reading this meandering message, your ‘up’ could be any thought or combination of thoughts within the capacity of your uniquely developed brain. You could be relating to anything from your past, present or future, depending on your state of mind at the moment you realize you are thinking about something.

THE DIRECTIONAL ‘UP’ can be anything in any direction from any given point in the universe. Were it not for your pre-existing notion of where ‘up’ is, relative to where YOU are, ‘up’ could very well be in any direction at the initial instant you realize you are conscious… i.e., Imagine your self, in a familiar surrounding, leisurely free-floating and slowly spinning and tumbling in a weightless condition, like a spaceman or spacewoman. You will probably have selected the familiar surrounding you are in right now as your reference for ‘up’. Now change the reference for ‘up’ from the surroundings to your relaxed and weightless body… Now your familiar surrounding is spinning and tumbling! Kind of like the planet you live on and this meandering thought.

SPACESHIP II – July 21, 1969 – Apollo 11, Lunar Module returning from the Moon’s surface to the Command Module then bound for home which is visible in the distance. Astronaut Michael Collins took the photo from the Command Module. It’s been noted that at the time, he was the only human not in front of the camera.

Image credit: APOD  NASA  Apollo 11 Restoration Toby Ord
Published
Categorized as Humor, Space

By Ed Caldwell

Except for some unavoidable honey-dos, I pretty much goof off for a living now. My last career job was designing internet operating circuit boards along with a distinguished team of engineers, managers and support personnel. Prior to that I was an electronics technician evolving into circuit board design in the defense industry working with tactical missile systems. My first career job was a professional artist. During my younger years I worked many odd jobs beginning at age nine with a newspaper delivery route.

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