A brief post about a life of mental healing

I just want God to fix things. I want unwavering confidence that He’s okay with everything I’ve done. I want to please Him to the point that He rewards me with a “that-a-boy”. I just want the pain to go away forever and be calm and captive in His arms.

Inferiority feelings go back to my childhood. At first light, I thought I was perfect. Then came guilt after I realized that I wasn’t.

Guilt happened because I was supposed to be perfect like Jesus. (Like those people in the ‘50’s family TV shows.) That’s what I perceived in Sunday School and church as a child. I failed numerous times. Those failures had me under pressure. Sin results in agonizing perpetual pain in hell’s fire. That’s what I heard from our fire and brimstone preacher.

My childhood family didn’t act perfect like the ones on black and white television.

I was born bipolar in 1951, but wasn’t diagnosed until 2003. My perception is often somewhat distorted by a brain disorder. Certain words that I hear can trigger racing or depressing thoughts such that I can’t rationally process certain messages before I’ve spawned a delusion. Sometimes positive… sometimes negative. That’s why I take preventative medications. That’s why I’m always working on how to think better.

I’m reminded of the Terminator movie, in the hotel room scene, where the “beat up” terminator is looking up possible responses in his computer brain for the hotel manager’s inquiry. The manager was knocking on the door asking if he had a “dead cat in there”. The mean and aggressive terminator’s computer brain responds with profanity.

I’m always looking for what might be a more “normal and rational human” response… like, “No cat. I just need some band aids and a shower.”

Writing with a computer allows me plenty of time to order my disordered thoughts by editing my words until thoughts are more clear and ordered. Rarely do I type without editing. Sometimes it’s well after publishing.

I’m not a great conversationalist. Others generally do most of the talking.

I’m typically caught up in a dysfunctional web of wacky thought tangents. Life is a conundrum outside God’s domain. Heaven is where I’m promised healing. That’s what keeps me moving forward.

I moved the wind from nowhere to nowhere
cradled among heaven’s bright and beautiful
unbound in uncharted abode

I lost the wind from nowhere to nowhere
ordered midst the dark and distant
bound firm in toxic anguish

I ride the wind from nowhere to somewhere
residing in God sheltered creation
reflecting science in earthly appreciation

All of us are subject to mistakes. When we project perfection onto ourselves or other humans, we’re making a mistake. Human perfection outside Jesus Christ is a short lived dream at best.

Jesus points us towards perfection… the middle of the road. He showed us that we can help ourselves by helping someone else. That’s a bit off the beaten path.

During a 2023 mild manic episode, I found myself hungry in Ball Ground Georgia waiting my turn at a vendor grilling brats at the sidewalk. Even as a mild “manic”, I didn’t want to wait to be served. My bipolar brain was thinking that I was more important than anyone else. I began to get irritated at waiting. I wanted to complain about having to wait. I prayed for God to help me. He told me to look up. I did and saw a beautiful blue sky populated with a few puffy white clouds then immediately felt calm and thankful for such a gorgeous day. Which is what I told the grill master when it came my turn. God saved me from a spiritual disaster with a fellow human being. Love dissolves hate. But sometimes we need help.

When we help others, we’re not only loving others, we’re loving ourselves.

I frantically studied the Bible after my second full blown adult mental breakdown. I discovered that God loves me regardless of my flaws. I discovered that the ENTIRE Bible is not perfect but centers and focuses on Jesus Christ’s ministry… which is perfect. I further discovered that God’s presence is everywhere, all the time. And God loves us all. Good and bad.

When we repent, we can love Him back. When we help others, we can start healing. Outside❤️In.

❤️

Portal, page 11
Beginning of category Healing
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