From me
I have an internally focused lens. Everything I see and hear travels through that lens directly into my disordered brain. My brain then assimilates the information into “what does this have to do with me?” What did I do or say that caused the information to come into my head? Was it a thought that I had last week or was it something I did?
Sometimes it’s depressing. Sometimes it’s up-lifting. Most of the time I’m just lost between my own thoughts and yours. So I like to spend a lot of time by myself where it’s mostly quiet so my brain can rest. I don’t understand how God does it so well, talking with EVERYONE at the same time.
When my brain is resting, like now, I can write down my thoughts… as wacky as they probably seem.
My hope with this particular piece of peculiar writing is to help you, that are reading this, understand a little bit of what it feels like inside my head. Which is very inwardly vulnerable to my sometimes disorganized emotions. Not something that I’m proud of or happy about. But maybe this “reveal” will help you understand some other inwardly focused person in your life.
Susan has dealt with my inward focus ever since our first date when I cranked up Strawbs, “Hero and Heroine” on my automobile cassette stereo… without asking her if she liked the music. She didn’t… but tolerated it… and ultimately, tolerated me too. Sometimes I think she needs a break from me… she certainly deserves it. It’s stressful dealing with a bipolar spouse… for anyone.
For a time, I thought I was battling narcissism. But I have come to realize that this inward thinking is just how my disordered brain works. I do okay. Medication and therapy helps, but my cranial matrix is simply just not quite as stable as “normal”.
Now that I’m old, I can understand my brain better. So that’s what I’m writing about in this post… for you… in case you’ve wondered.
Most of the time, I feel God’s Spirit. I listen for His Love, whenever I’m able. I pray that I’m sharing God’s Love with my work. I also pray that you hear God’s Love from inside yourself… like I do… but hopefully not exactly the same as me… because at times, I also hear the demon of disorder.
I pray that you only hear the beautiful order of God’s Love.
Have a blessed day! ❤️
