I was born in the same year that the original sci-fi movie, “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” was released. Being bipolar disordered, this knowledge triggered mild temporary delusional mania in my grand little illusionary brain… It’s soon squelched after a quick smile.
I didn’t have a good relationship with my parents. My five years older half brother died from suicide at age twenty one. My aunt on my father’s side attempted suicide more than once.
As a child, I feared and loathed my father. He was mentally unstable and would have violent episodes requiring a VA hospital stay. I’m not sure if the doctors there ever knew how to properly treat his illness. My dad was subjected to electric shock therapy. He would come back home in a very subdued state. He was usually irritated and angry when the therapy wore off. That’s what I remember. I kept my distance from my father as much as possible.
When I was very young during one of my father’s episodes, I hid in my closet shaking and crying in fear, praying for God to kill me. I felt like my little child’s brain was going to emotionally explode. I believe at that very young moment, God took me under His wing. It just took me a five decades to realize it. I hope that you’re a faster study than me.
My mother, for a long time, didn’t know how to deal with the stress. She tried but was bitter and depressed from all our family turmoil. We frequently bickered and fought with each other. She finally divorced my dad after a very long drawn out separating-reconciling painful back and forth period of time.
At seventeen, I left home. I told my siblings, except for the seven year old, that we all needed to separate to be healthy. That was the only thing that made sense to me. I think that we somehow knew we were all mentally disturbed but we were not well off and simply didn’t know what to do about it. I expected that, if we stayed together, something terrible would happen. We were often toxic to each other. All except my ten years younger than me sister. Each of us needed healing. Separating was all I could think of that might help. My decision to leave was self-preservation. I was already having suicidal thoughts.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2003 after my second major mental breakdown.
I’m a very loved and blessed man. I work at mental health. I get lots of help from people around me. The ones closest, see and support me. I seek and receive help when I need it.
I’m all grown up now. I realize that mental illness is what broke my childhood family apart. I also realize there’s a lot of people in a similar situation… Living in mental illness without any clear and present means to reconcile and heal. Those people, tragically, sometimes make the headline news. Sometimes, they grow up and help others.
Testament/Growing Up
Previous Angel / Next Bipolar
dedicated to my web friend Pubert who asked me a question.
