Blessed

I like to write down what I think. I usually write only when I’m feeling good. This time I’m making an exception.

I don’t feel good right now. I’m tired and sick of trying to make sense of the human sociocultural world. Good is bad and bad is good which is the root focus of my current anguish. 

Sometimes I want to die. I want to move beyond anguish for good. No, this is not a suicide note. It’s an expression of depressed thinking. I’m going to be fine probably before I finish this writing. But I want to see if I can express depression in a coherent manner while depressed. I hope that makes sense. It’s all I got right now.

My problems are petty. I’m not suffering from a lack of anything. I’m not suffering from… or for… a lack of love from others. Quite the contrary. But at times like now, I dwell in the negative. I focus on what’s wrong instead of what’s right.

I don’t know how to fix it. I know it will eventually dissipate. My medications help with that. Usually I just get quiet and shy away from others. Depression is contagious. So I try to isolate. And wait. 

It’s difficult to feign a better mood. It’s easier to hide.

But I’m rarely ever truly alone for very long.

I’m pretty good at writing about myself. I spend a lot of time thinking. I’m an introvert at heart but I work hard at being aware of other’s thoughts and behavior. You have to in order to be a good actor.

I’m not saying that I’m good at acting.

My wife, bless her loving heart, bears the brunt of my illness. She worries way too much about my health. My whole family does. So do my friends.

I’m a very blessed man.

See. I told you I would feel better!

I’m a slow writer.

A family affair

By Ed Caldwell

Except for some unavoidable honey-dos, I pretty much goof off for a living now. My last career job was designing internet operating circuit boards along with a distinguished team of engineers, managers and support personnel. Prior to that I was an electronics technician evolving into circuit board design in the defense industry working with tactical missile systems. My first career job was a professional artist. During my younger years I worked many odd jobs beginning at age nine with a newspaper delivery route.

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